How much weight should emotion carry?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about weight issues. My weight issues to be exact. I had a dream the other night. I was being told that there are two reasons I am overweight. Yes I have extremely clear and to the point dreams sometimes, which is much better than the ones I need to de-code. I was told that the first reason is because I feel like I am never enough and the second reason is because I feel invisible. She told me that because I feel like I am never enough I feel the need to be more, and because I feel invisible I feel the need to make myself be seen. Needless to say I woke up disturbed and immediately pooh poohed the idea. Of course it did not take long before I began to process the information I was given in my dream.

First I had to ponder the idea that I felt like I was never enough. I had to dig and figure out why that particular emotion would be residing within my psyche. I have never been one to willingly go digging deep inside my psyche, preferring to clear this kind of stuff unconsciously. I discovered much to my amazement that there were indeed times in my life that I felt like I was not enough. Whether it was because I was not thin enough, pretty enough or woman enough, I have allowed the men in my life, with the exception of my unconditionally loving husband make me feel like I simply was not enough. I absolutely believe that it was not always intentional. I remember very clearly one day I was getting ready to go out, I could not have been more than 16 years old and as is my life I had been dieting. My Dad who was one of the kindest, sweetest men ever to grace the planet was passing by my room, he poked his head in and said "Wow if you lose any more weight I am not going to let you out of the house". The adult me knows without question that he was simply giving me a compliment, his way of telling me I looked nice. What I heard was "Wow, if you lose any more weight I won't be able to let you out of the house....because then someone might look at you", in my mind he meant that it was safe for me to go out that night because no one would look at me because I was fat.

Whether it was because I was not thin enough, pretty enough or woman enough I simply allowed men to make me feel less than. The men that I had relationships with felt it necessary to express their feelings regarding what they perceived were my inadequacies. I believe it began with my older brother who stood by and said nothing when his friends made fun of the fact that I was big busted, not petite and in high school kind of goofy. This, of course, instilled the belief in me that he thought the same thing. Whether he did or not, I will probably never know, but it is one of those memories that makes me cringe. As for the other men in my life one blamed me for his being gay telling me that if I had been more of a woman he would not be attracted to men. Another, I simply was never thin enough and therefore he had to continually ogle other woman in front of me, as to make me perfectly aware of what I was not. Another one simply explained that he needed two women to make him happy and, honest to God, told me like he was telling me the sky was blue. One left because, and these are his words "You made me want to be a better person and I want to be an asshole". Last but not least, one simply wanted me around until something better came along. He wasn't quite so blunt but said enough for me to get the picture.

Oddly enough, though these memories came back very quickly when I began to ponder what my dream was trying to tell me, these are memories that I never brought forward and or for that matter believed played a role in my daily life in any way. Am I holding on to the weight because somewhere in my psyche I believe that being more than is being bigger than? Even though I am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, am I unconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop? Somewhere deep down do I believe that other people believe that I am less than? And worse have I sabotaged my psyche into believing my husband believes me to be less than and therefore I feel the need to be more than? Or am I holding out unconsciously hoping that my husband will continue to love me unconditionally no matter how big I am? Do I believe that being more than will ensure unconditional love? Once I acknowledge and accept that I am enough will the weight simply melt away? Can acknowledging this be the answer to my prayers? Or do I need to completely re-frame my thinking, consciously and unconsciously? Geez I am exhausted!!!!!!!!!! I think I will sit with this for a while.

Second I had to ponder why on earth I felt invisible. I do know that I would much rather be heard than seen. I now attribute that to the fact that I apparently felt less than and did not want to burden anyone with my presence. I use the word felt as in past tense, thus begins my journey to being, perfect, whole and loved. Yay me! I know as a child, the 4th of 5, for my mother's sanity it was necessary to be seen and not heard while company was over. Can you imagine 5 screaming kids, "mommy can I please, please, please…mommy, mommy, mommy." Personally the mere thought of it sends chills up my spine. I gave birth to one child-he is now 23 does that tell you anything? The adult me assumes I took the whole seen and not heard thing literally; due to the fact that I would rather eat hot peppers upside down than speak in front of a group of people. Don’t get me wrong I have done it, but hated it and yes I fantasized about eating hot peppers upside down instead of having 100 of sets of eyes on me. I don’t really know a lot about what number child you are and how it affects your life, but I was number 4 and I know that I probably got away with a lot more than the older kids. I do remember my oldest sister and brother were hell bent on pissing mom off and when all hell broke loose I made myself invisible and fast! I was the kid who made sure I blended in, so as to not make trouble. I had it easier than my older siblings because I learned from them what not to do. I truly remember making conscious decisions and mental notes of what not to do. They were teenagers while I was still in the impressionable years so they were just being normal rebellious teenagers; I was getting the impression to stay under the radar.

As for being invisible, I can’t help but think that if I can clear the old belief structure that I am less than, being invisible will not be an issue. If I am no longer concerned with being less than, will being invisible matter? Is being invisible my protection from being less than? If I hold on to the weight, is it my way of pointing out the obvious so that nothing else is seen? Or again, am I holding on to the weight so that it is impossible not to see me?



This is a lot to ponder; and quite honestly it sounds like a lot of work. So, when I ask the question “How much weight should emotion carry?” in a perfect world it would hold none at all. But since we live in a less than perfect world I believe that it does indeed carry a lot more weight than we should allow it to. Should I allow what other people think to matter? Should I judge myself by how others may or may not judge me? Should I continue to hold on to weight because I feel the need to be more than to anyone other than myself or more than invisible to the world?

The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, I was explaining the dream to her and what I thought the dream meant. I was explaining that in order to re-frame my thinking I would need to write down some affirmations to say everyday. She said, just say “I am as God created me”, it is what Jesus said in the “Course of Miracles” teachings. It seems so simple but how many of us believe that we are as God has created us? Tall, short, skinny, fat, we are as God created us, and when all is said and done we are spirit living the human experience.

As for me, I have work to do! I need to ASMO! Accept, Surrender and Move On, from the old belief structure. Accept that the past is the past and I need to love myself unconditionally, thereby negating the need to be more than to anyone but myself. Surrender to the fact that the old belief played a pivotal role in my life, good, bad or indifferent and that there were important lessons learned. Move On to the new belief structure, being less than or more than is not as important as just simply being…….as God created me!

Love, Light and Angel Blessing
Theri