Recently I have been pondering and for those of you who know me, you know that pondering makes up a good portion of my day. It really does not matter if I am doing something important or unimportant, I always find myself pondering.
Recent events lead me to this latest bout of pondering - I will get to that in a second. I would like to give you some background first. When I was much younger I had my gallbladder removed. It was before the days of a tiny incision here and a tiny incision there and out through the belly button it comes. It was during the days of being cut from breast bone to belly button. To complicate things a bit I have a heart murmur and a MVP which means a leaky heart valve. It was discovered when I was 11, so for me it is what it is. During the gallbladder surgery, my heart decided to just stop; now mind you it only stopped for a minute if that, but in that minute my soul had quite the adventure..
I remember hovering above the operating table, looking down at myself and listening to what was being said in the operating room. I remember feeling light as a feather. As I mused about this I was suddenly whisked quite abruptly into a tunnel. The tunnel was warm and full of bright lights. The next thing I remember I was standing on one side of a creek, while my dad, who had passed away in 1982, was standing on the other. I clearly remember thinking “Oh crap, this can’t be good”. The scene was surreal. My Dad finally spoke after what seemed an eternity (in real time probably 5 seconds), he said with his hand outstretched, “you can come with me now or you can go back, but know if you go back, life will not be easy for a while”. All I could think of at the moment was that I needed to get back to my son. I did not think about what “Life would not be easy” meant. My only thought was that I needed to get back for my son. And with that single thought I plopped back into my body on the operating table. I say plopped because it felt so awkward and clumsy and oh so heavy!
I remembered the event immediately upon waking up in my hospital room. When I opened my eyes I remember thinking “Wow that was close”. I also remember thinking “Wow, did my soul make a decision without consulting me first”. You see, the human me had no intention, going in to surgery, or otherwise, for that matter, of being done with this life in human form, I had more to do on this earth and I knew it. But there I was, hours before, being given a choice.
Now, I am a true believer in our sacred contract; I believe that before we are born we (our Soul) know what is in store for us, we have chosen whatever it is that lies before us. Yes, we have freedom of choice, and yes I believe that we can veer off the path of that contract, but as a rule I believe the fork in the road will appear time and time again, until we get with the program. I also believe, barring a horrendous sudden accident brought on by freedom of choice, we (our soul) make the decisions based on our progress as to when our time on earth is done or when something life changing needs to happen to get us back on our path.
Because I have held that belief for as long as I can remember, I was quite irritated with my soul that day. How dare it make a decision without consulting me first? Not to mention I was now tormented by the thought that life was not going to be easy. As it turned out life was not easy for a while, however I came out the other side and am the person I am today because of it.. (And honestly while going through those times, there was something comforting in the knowledge that this would only be for a while). I was trying to control what my soul did, I totally sounded like a control freak. Because I believe in a higher power, god, Jesus Christ etc. I instinctively knew that my soul has the inside scoop on my life. I know now and knew then that my soul has a direct line to God and that soul resides inside of me, the human. But, I was truly irritated that my life, had I (my soul) decided, could have ended that very day. I was blown away, that I (the human) did not get a choice in the decision making. I am thankful everyday that my soul was not ready to relinquish my human form that day either.
That of course was a long time ago and I have since realized that my soul is far wiser than I gave it credit for. Seriously, if we as humans knew when, where, and how we were going to die, I am pretty sure there would be a lot of avoiding going on. I, for one, would be the first on that avoidance train. I now understand that we are spirit living the human experience and not the other way around, so it would indeed be my soul/spirit driving the bus. It is my ego that wants in on everything.
The Human me can’t help but hope that my soul consults me, when making big life changing decisions. Thus, this began this particular bout of pondering. For those of you who know me, you know I have a son that for all intents and purposes has an un-named auto-immune disease that for the last 6 years has rendered his liver incapable of getting rid of toxins. I don’t know how or why it happened, but it did. My son, much wiser than his years, 23, tells me constantly that he knows this happened because there is a lesson that he needs to learn from this, he doesn't like it, but he knows he must go through it, he knows if he doesn't the cycle will repeat itself. He knows without question that his soul made this decision before he was even born, (we kid each other that next time we reach the other side it would be nice to not be so enlightened, because then maybe we would not feel the need to throw ourselves to the wolves). (My next blog will be about when our children become our teachers). I know that his soul is driving the bus and his soul, his God light, knows what needs to be done, but he, being the human, is who fights day in and day out to stay one step ahead of the toxins. I am pretty sure that if my son’s soul had consulted my son the human he would be a healthy, happy man right now.
My nephew is, as I write this blog, lying in a hospital bed at USC medical center waiting for results from a bone marrow test. I am pretty sure his soul did not consult him (the human)before making the decision to be seriously ill. Yet, it is the human man who is lying in that bed waiting nervously for test results. Something about that haunts me, I know life is not fair, I am not naive, I don't believe that bad things don't happen to good people. It just seems so damned unfair. Yes, that is the selfish me wanting only visions of sugar plums for the people I love. I know that is not possible, but it is a nice vision none the less.
Remember, this is just a blog, filled with thoughts, thoughts that I can sometimes make sense of and sometimes they just remain thoughts, thoughts that I simply can not make sense of. At the moment I feel helpless -helpless to help my son, helpless to help my nephew, helpless to help my sister deal with all this. I know the larger picture deems all this necessary, but if ever there was a vote as to whether our soul needs to consult us on the big things, I would definitely vote in favor of it. I wonder if heaven is a democracy? LOL
Even as I write this I am hearing that familiar whisper in my right ear saying “You are always in direct communication with your soul/God light each and every day, and you know this”. Yes, this is my sweet Angels way of reprimanding me in a loving gentle way. And the truth of the matter is, I do indeed know this. This is just frustration talking, human frustration, life on life's terms frustration. But just for good measure, I am going to continue to have long conversations with my soul, making sure that we stay on the same page. Even, if it is just this human’s way of feeling pro-active.
Love, Light and Angel Blessings
Theri
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