Weakness and Vulnerability be careful what you ask for!

Last week I had the opportunity to listen to a seminar given by Robert Ohotto, author of “Transforming Fate into Destiny”. A friend of mine came over and we listened to it together. The seminar covered a lot of what his book offered, but, he dove deeper in to the material for us. Diana and I sat feverishly writing in our journals while he talked. Many times we would look at each other with the “aha” look on our faces. He spoke about how “fate” can be described as a hand of cards and “destiny” can be described as how you play that hand of cards. I could go on and on about the seminar that evening, but instead I would like to share one particular part of the seminar with you that was about confronting your shadow self.

About half way through the seminar, Robert walked us through a beautiful meet your shadow self meditation. We did the usual breathing to relax and center ourselves. Once this had been accomplished, we began our journey. I will now begin talking in the first person because honestly I have no idea what journey Diana was on, at this point. He instructed me (of course only in my minds eye) to walk out of the house and down to the curb, where the street turned in to a canal. A canoe arrived with one of my guides, a full fledged Indian Chief with the full ceremonial head dress. He did not speak; he simply quietly rowed me to an island that Robert instructed us to go to.

I got out of the canoe and walked through a heavily foliaged area. Robert then asked me to walk between two marble pillars that were in front of me (they only showed up once he mentioned them) and sit on a marble bench (also appearing after he mentioned it). I was then asked if I was ready to meet my shadow self or at least a part of my shadow self. I readily (in hindsight blindly) said yes. A little girl peeked out from behind a pillar; she had a great big smile on her face. She walked over to me and took my hands in hers. She had short curly blond hair with a wreath of flowers circling her head. She had on a long velvet red dress, with red paten leather shoes and white socks.

I was then to ask her “what part of my shadow self, she represented”. She took my face in her hands and said “I am your child shadow who is weak and vulnerable”. She then sat on my lap and put her head on my shoulder. We sat for a long while. I was then asked to have that shadow self turn in to a representation that I could carry with me so that I could become one with it. She immediately turned in to a ruby shaped like a diamond, with a crown of flowers around the point of the diamond. I held this in my hand.

Robert then brought us back to the canoe and then back to the house and ultimately in to the room where we began. Once back in to the room I immediately felt a swell of panic begin in my stomach. The seminar continued but I only half listened. I could only focus on the swell of panic that was growing steadily by the minute.

When the seminar had finished, I shared with Diana what I had experienced, and what I was still experiencing. (And to be honest as I write this, I can feel the panic welling up again in my stomach). In a flash many unpleasant memories came flooding in to focus, some of them I knew at the time that they happened that vulnerability would be the result, some took me by surprise. As at the time, I brushed them off as minor annoyances. This heightened the panic in my stomach. As I spoke to Diana, trying to walk through the process, I realized that my panic was because I was terrified to face the “weakness and vulnerability” within me.

For those of you who have read my other blogs, you know that I try to move forward and spend very little time dwelling in the past. One could say that it is possibly, or most likely a probability, that I stuffed this particular shadow self down as far as it would go. In my defense, I am sure survival was the culprit. These are uncomfortable emotions and feelings for me to deal with. It was very apparent to me that evening, and is still apparent, that it is tremendously uncomfortable. I lay in bed that night playing hide and seek with weakness and vulnerability, part of me hiding, part of me seeking. As the hours passed, I processed myself through this game, and came out the other side determined to stare this shadow self down and deal with it.

Little did I know I was about to be bombarded with weakness and vulnerability full on. It has since been tears, tears, tears and more tears. Literally, fighting back tears at every turn. Things that I would not normally react to, I am crying over. My husband jokingly said “Hey, I am the crier in the family, what's up”? Or maybe I said that to him about him, hell at this point I am not sure. Now, it is not to say that I don’t cry, it is just that usually I have some control over it.

My normally strong facade has come crumbling down around me. The strength that I have stubbornly exhibited during my son's illness has faltered (sorry about that son). The stoic me that can usually hold it together while I am around people is having a very difficult time being stoic. I honestly do not know when the next crying jag will be upon me. It is un-nerving at best.

Now that I am aware it exists, I am sorely tempted to send it back from whence it came. I am not particularly thrilled with this weaker more vulnerable me. I don't think it is all that attractive and, quite frankly, I am trying to figure out why it is even necessary in the first place.

Due to tightening in my stomach while writing this, I am quite certain that I have barely even scratched the surface of this shadow self. This keeps the panic alive; I know there is much processing to do. I know I need to figure out if I can live in harmony with this part of myself. My enlightened self says “of course you will” knowing of course that I need to integrate this shadow self in to the whole of who I am. The not so enlightened self says “Hell NO, this is not fun and I want no part of it”.

In the interest of moving forward, I guess I better sit down, shut up, tighten up the seatbelt and hold on, because this is going to be one hell of a ride.

Robert Ohotto said in his seminar, “We are not here in earth school for the security; we are here for the experience”. When he said this, Diana, and I looked at each other with that aha look on our faces. Well, folks if experience is what I am here for, I believe I am living up to my potential, like it or not.

Love, Light and Angel Blessings
Theri

PS for those who have inquired as to how Garrett is feeling; thank you for asking. He is fighting the good fight and winning. He has his good hours, he has bad hours. An in all everything is progressing as Dr. Alenov had hoped. One baby step leads to a bigger step and so on and so on. Thank you all for your healing thoughts, energy and prayers.